Bits and Pieces
Tuesday, February 17, 2004
  Two not entirely unrelated links:

This one is just amazing.

Apparently white people in the town of Zanesville, OH, have had running water from the city system for quite some time, but a neighborhood that included whites, blacks and American Indians has been left off the grid until recently.

"I didn't think I could get used to drinking water out of the tap," Helen McCuen said. "But I did." I don't even have a joke here...

Now let's contrast that with this story, in which a group of College Republicans at Roger Williams University have started a scholarship that is only available for white students.

"If you are a white student on campus, you don't have anyone helping you," said Jason Mattera, founder of the RWU College Republicans.

Oh yeah, and Mattera is the recipient of a $5,000 scholarship from Sallie Mae that is open only to Hispanic students.

Which means that once the Hypocrisy Foundation gets up and running, he'll probably be up for their scholarship as well.
 
Thursday, February 12, 2004
  It's little things that make me laugh:

Medical records show that Dr. Atkins (yes, that Dr. Atkins) weighed 258 lbs when he died.

That's svelte for say, an NBA center, or certain types of gorillas, but Dr. Atkins was a 6 ft tall man. Which means he was, as they say in the business, "obese." Or, as they say on the streets "a fucking lardass."

Based on that height and weight, his Body Mass Index would have been 35, which is just another way of saying that he's fat. I really have no idea what the hell a Body Mass Index means, so let's retreat a little: The man weighed 258 lbs.

That's 1,032 quarter-pounders, even if you remove the bun to make them "Atkins Friendly." Oh, his medical records also show that he had heart and blood pressure problems.

If I was a literary man, I'd make some sort of allusion to "The Picture of Dorian Gray." America: This is your hideous future. Enjoy your bacon and eggs.

But I'm not a literary man, so instead I'll focus on what is easily the funniest part of the story: His widow claims that he wasn't really always that heavy, but that he put on 60 lbs. due to the fluids administered to him in his final days (He was comatose after hitting his head on some ice. That part isn't funny at all...sigh).

Back to the funny part: Gaining 60 lbs. from fluids? Was his IV filled with gravy? How the hell do you put on that much weight like that?

And how long before Subway introduces an "Atkins-friendly" fluid diet?

You know what that sound was? Mrs. Atkins' stock options getting deep fried.

 
Monday, February 02, 2004
  Notes from the Super Bowl:

With the benefit of a few years' worth of hindsight, do we think that teams like the San Jose Sharks, Florida Marlins and Carolina Panthers who adopted teal in their color schemes would like a giant do-over? Back in 1994 were people honestly convinced it would never go out of style?

Right now, Tom Brady is making everyone re-think how they define the term "crazy boy-band ass."

Would the Red Sox be better off just rolling the dice and hiring Belichick as their manager?

Phil Simms and John Edwards should switch voice-over duties once in awhile, just for kicks. No one would know the difference.

Thank god no one has played up the whole "How fitting the Patriots won while our nation is at war" angle. I'm glad we left that garbage back after the 2002 Super Bowl. However, I would have enjoyed a headline that read, "Quarterback with French-sounding name loses game." Except that it probably would have come from Fox News.

How soon before we can just go ahead and substitute Tom Brady in for Ben Affleck as Matt Damon's friend? Would anyone have a problem with this?

Anyone who complains about seeing Janet Jackson's nipple obviously wasn't paying attention to the commercials that aired during the game. Mike Ditka talked about his wang, a horse farted in a woman's face, Cedric the Entertainer got a bikini wax, and a talking monkey hit on a woman. And the outrage is over a brief boob shot? Leave it out...

While we're on the subject, I'm glad this whole Janet Jackson thing happened because it makes ultra-serious news anchor types utter headlines like "MTV apologizes for Jackson's breast."

Also, Justin Timberlake clearly deserves some sort of award for his role in all this. Not only was he clearly responsible for all this, he also blamed the mess on a "wardrobe malfunction."

Not true. Kid Rock had what we could reasonably call a "wardrobe malfunction" when he showed up with his head poked through an American flag. Janet Jackson got her shirt ripped off.

Is it too late for Britney Spears' publicist to go back and blame the Madonna kiss on a "tonsil malfunction"?

 
Ah, you know, the standard stuff. But funny.

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